A permanent struggle with myself, I tried my best to push these urges somewhere in a dark corner of my mind ... it wont work, I have to leave Romania as soon as possible. I cant complain about poor living nor lack of material belongings but I feel I'm wasting my potential, my opportunities and certainly I don't want to see my child growing up in a blank place looking up to some worthless piece of shit on TV. Everybody tells me stuff like "do you think the roads are pawed with gold there ?" ... but those empty skulls wont ever understand what I'm really looking for. What am I looking for ? under any circumstances I'm not looking for easy money rather I'm looking to master my trade, to become a skilled person, I'm looking for walks in nice clean parks, I'm chasing smiles on streets, I wish to pedal my bike trough traffic without getting bloody, I don't want to see politicians robbing the country, I want to wear my tattoo's with pride without being criticized, I want to ride a speed bike on a highway, I want to skate in skate parks without crashing into retired people, I want to sort garbage, I want to be treated in proper equipped and cleaned hospitals ... I need to live amongst civilized people. Unfortunately I've got a few set backs,
- 1st: my life companion thinks after the pattern, I'm sure she will enjoy her life like never before if we move away and she will thank me for taking the decision, kinda easy to solve this problem, if I cant make her see beyond the told stories about how hard it is to resist a life as a stranger ( told by the ones without soul, the ones which chase the quick buck ), I will blackmail her with things which she wont accept loosing no mater the price she has to pay.
- 2nd: and probably the main reason is me and me being really circumspect about all major decisions which could affect my life in an uncontrolled way, I will try to get motivation from somewhere and act, how many unskilled people from my neighborhood managed to leave and stay ... why did they managed to get a job without language knowledge, without education ? would I be able to make things work out ? yes ! most likely since I'm not shy working and capable to figure out a way to find my place.
The ideal place for me would be New York but for the beginning any other place to build my skills will do and the apartment near central park has to wait for a while.
I do have plans to conquer my self a happy life and by all means necessary I'll manage to leave everything behind and live my life as I want to, not as some like me to.
Why should I stay ? should I waste my years waiting for the change ? the rusty and broken play grounds, the student hating teachers, the high level corruption, the ridiculous health system, bureaucracy ... could my subconscious be addicted to this garbage ? My parents will suffer but eventually they will come along also.
Some day soon, it will happen and I wont change my mind.
Mr. Lemmy's poem is the perfect description for the shade of black my soul has right now
I hate ...
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