The pirate laws

1. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.

2. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.

3. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

4. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.

5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

6. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.

7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

8. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

9. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.

10. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

11. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".

12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.

13. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

14. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.

15. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

16. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

17. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.

18. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.

19. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.

20. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.

21. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.

22. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.

23. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".

24. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".

25. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

26. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

27. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

28. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.

29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

30. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

31. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.

32. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".

33. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.

34. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.

35. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.

36. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back.

37. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.

38. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.

39. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").

40. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.

41. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.

42. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.

43. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.

44. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.

45. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.

46. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.

47. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.

48. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.

49. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.

50. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.

51. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.

52. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.

53. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.

54. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.

55. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.

56. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.

57. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.

58. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"

59. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.

60. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".

61. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.

62. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".

63. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.

64. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.

65. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.

66. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".

67. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.

68. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.

69. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.

70. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

71. While in a fight with the royal navy a pirate shall carry a knife in his mouth when swinging over on the rival ship, a pirate is allowed to swing over without a dagger between hes teeth only if he has less than 5 teeth and then he has the obligation to spit on 15 second intervals. ( this one is added by me )

And finally, How do you know if you are a pirate? You just "Arrrrrrrr"...

As you know I'm a universal being, I'm also a pirate and I stole this article from some other mate on the ship ... but psssst don't let my crew know, they will cut my rum ratio.

Aye mates ! Arrrr !

Rage, trash talk, manifestos, free t-shirts and lies

The presidential election campaign started, the parties presented the candidates, made an action plan and the circus is open for business. You know it's election campaign when:
- your mail box gets spammed with laminated fliers ( you fucking twats don't laminate the fliers because we get nasty anal paper cuts when we use them for ass wiping ... could you please print them on soft 3 layered toilet paper with lotion ?) and pictures with some old farts making promises.
- worthless piece o' shit bands will give away free concerts in your town square and the low life rednecks think we are celebrating a bisect year again.
- open stage trash talk against rival parties.
- free food and clothes, dressed in charity.
I never took serious these election campaigns but I always enjoyed the fight between the candidates ... they promise all sorts of silly things and at one point it becomes like a pathetic tennis match
Jim: We are going to build better roads for the people !
Earl: We are going to build 10 lane high ways with free prostitute services at the petrol stations !

Earl: We will create a better health system !
Jim: We will make sure that 10 doctors will live in your dressing and they will be there if you get the hick-ups

Jim: We will legalize soft drugs !
Earl: My name is Earl Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria !

Earl: We will ensure free schooling !
Jim: PHD degrees for everybody !

Earl: We'll lick your ass !
Jim: We'll suck your cock !

Jim: We will kill the bogeyman !
Earl: The ghost busters work for me !

Some may find it wonderful how a few kind gentlemen battle for our well being and prosperity, I find it rather pathetic and stupid how a bunch of spineless rabid dogs bite each other for the big bone... fetch you geezers !!!
All this bullshit about the competence of the candidate "I've graduated The Asshole Academy with top grade and a knot on my cock", I have a wast knowledge about how the post communist economical system behaves and I know the solution of success ... you know what ? we don't need a highly educated snob for president, we need a guy which keeps his word, wont follow his own interests and wont let other hot shots plunder our souls.
Mr. Orwell's farm is present in any political regime the ones on the top will exploit to death the ones which work hard.

Vote for Andy ! I like cheese !

Democracy will go down

My problem with this form of organization is the equality between the citizens, we all have the same rights but only a few of us respect the imposed obligations.
So ... why should I be equal with a person which doesn't have a job and lives on welfare ? why should I be equal with a person which has 5 children and cant supply decent housing and decent meals for them, instead of sending the children to school ( which is free ) he makes them beg for money or even steal. Sometimes the minorities are the ones which cause these problems but I'm not about to denigrate a race or a nationality, I'm pissed off and sometimes I'm thinking why the hell did I lost 18 years in school, become a serious person who cares about a steady and profitable work place, pay taxes which are consumed to keep a bunch of hobos with their bellies full.
People should be born with equal rights, if they follow a certain path for a future professional activity they should be supported and they should benefit of good and healthy system without a difference between color, race, shape and size. A child should be forced to attend at least elementary school, after graduating elementary school he should choose whether to join a high school or arts and crafts schools and after finishing with the educational process he should get a job. If at one point somebody refuses to follow these steps he will lose some of his rights like voting and as times goes by he should lose primary rights like having children, eventually they should be sentenced to hard labor, work which will ensure their basic needs like food, clothing and housing in labor camps. A person sent into a labor camp should win his rights back after a certain period and be granted with a normal job. Prisoners should have no rights at all and all prisons should be considered independent businesses were the prisoners have to work for food, heating and decent conditions, the guards and the prison staff shouldn't be affected and shouldn't suffer penalties if the prisoners refuse to work, the prisoners should work to stay alive. Whether a person decides to work as a freelancer, as a contractor, in a factory, as a sewer cleaner, or any other job as long as he sticks to it, he should be free to have and do everything he desires. It's hard enough to keep a country up and running, expenses with the not directly productive workers like teachers, people which work in administration( they have an important role in the system ), costs with disabled persons ( which have the right to a decent life ) and other necessary expenses for running a country ... my question is why do we have to support healthy citizens which refuse to work and prefer to leach.
I guess we could be able to reach a perfect regime based on the 2 principles the iron fist which will crack your skull if you refuse to play by the rules and the kind rewarding and accessible warm pillow which will take care of you if you mind your business.
I shall become a new political genius, Marx + Engels + Hitler + Gorbachev + Kohl ... learn from the past adjust to the present and voila Conditioned Democracy.

cheers !!!

We gather for nothing ... women steal souls

Wealth farmers that is what humans are, stupid redneck robots chasing after useless and expensive things. Strange how people gather wealth their whole lives and still they wont buy the stuff they enjoy, for example most men are fascinated by motor bikes, fast cars, gadgets, renewal/renovating activities, constructions, creating stuff, fishing, hunting and other specific male stuff ... sadly most of them wont get the chance to enjoy such things. The man's software would have been flawless if our almighty programmer had left away the "seek women and get married part", I tell you women are our weak point. How many dudes sacrificed their dreams and their economies to get a really nice engagement ring and for what ? for a moody brat which probably will get fat as a hippopotamus after marriage.
I get pissed off each time I hear stuff like its the man's duty to:
- ask for the girls hand ( fuck this !!! women should be grateful that we are interested, they should write our names in the sky with pink smoke, take us to expensive non romantic trips and get us an expensive engagement motorized present )
- please the woman in bed ( no shit ? it's hard enough to get a boner when you get to screw unattractive bizarre kitchen monsters, women should know all the tricks in the book of Kamansutra, seduce their man, lose some weight, work out )
- provide for the woman ( what for ? so she can fuck up a high quality top class piece of beef by burning it and not even recognize that she forgot about it because the mexican soap was so interesting, learn how to cook proper healthy meals !!! )
All men objects are considered useless and a man without his gadgets is considered poor and unattractive, so if you get to have a nice garage, a nice car, nice clothes you will get the attention of the ladies and when you think she likes you ... she knows her only purpose is to make you sell your useless stuff just to buy for her vital stuff like jewelery, fur coats, expensive perfumes and soon you will end up walking at work wearing cheap clothes thinking about the horrible designer furniture bought by your wife with your money.
Men are pigs ... of course we are !!! what do you expect from a person which got his dreams crushed, he will drink his kindness out and he will come back for what is his.
Of course not all women are such men exploiting dictators, there are a lot of women which enjoy riding a bike, have good cooking skills, don't dream about diamond encrusted golden anal plugs, get pleasure from a nice hike in the woods, like to jog with their partners, wont complain about the small diamond in their ring, appreciate a bunch of field flowers ... they deserve to be respected.
Back to the the subject, human beings can achieve a certain comfort with less effort and still we need more and more, all the efforts for extra wealth are for nothing, everything is just an illusion, instead of taking care of our health,enjoying quality time with friends and family and take trips to foreign places we work extra hours for a better car or for a bigger apartment. The rush for wealth made us humans forget about the things that really matter and how much it matters to do what you like and accept what other people like. Sooner or later we will die and we can chose between dieing as a wealthy and unaccomplished middle aged person, or dieing as a satisfied old person with great stories for the grandchildren.
Right now I'm happy with what I have and what I'm about to accomplish on the material part and in the relationship with my gnarly girlfriend ... still we make plans to expand our "empire", I hope we will know when to stop gathering and start enjoying our lives.
Some of my friends knew that I'm dreaming about a black FMX 650, they also knew I had the money for it and were disappointed that I chose to spend my economies for my own place but this feels like the right thing to do now because it makes me happy and it also makes me independent, yay !!! these are the first steps towards my satisfaction ... perhaps the bike will carry us to foreign places.


Yes I know I'm a weird person some people refer to me as the new Messiah but I'm only a genius in my early years.

/over "My name is Earl" time

Hip hop is back !!!

Dude I was waiting for the new Rammstein ... it came out on Friday, its fine and dandy same stuff with more kink, after listening the entire album a few times it got boring like a German bratwurst. I was hopping for smart lyrics and awesome instrumentals, well the only thing I managed to remember was: LOVE IS HERE FOR EVERYBODY I WILL HURT YOU BECAUSE I'M A SADISTIC UGLY GERMAN ROCKER, THE END IS NEAR MY DARLING, YOU HAVE A PUSSY I HAVE A DICK, AUTO BAHN, and of course WAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA HUBIDIBUBLA UUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGHHHHHHH ( these being the cool special efect screams ). I'm sorry but I wont buy the album and I'm not anymore impressed with their costumes and the sorry anorexic keyboard playing clown.
Disappointed as I was with the Rammstein album I went AGAIN to see some apartments ... found one this time, already payed an advance and in a couple of weeks we should be able to move in, fire works, happy thoughts, all the positive feelings managed to put a smile on my face. On my way home Method Man was singing on the radio about street life, respect, gangsters and since I'm a thug raised on the though streets of Baia Mare ( I even had to hustle wild chestnuts for a living )I enjoyed every word. Changed into my home clothes and after I cleaned my room the 1st thing I was about to do is to listen to some pimpalicious gangster shake that ass Method Man music. HUGE surprise !!! a new Method Man featuring Red Man album available and man I was dancing like a thug in my baby duck slippers ... it's a combo fuckers !!! The only 2 guys which kept me listening to the black music were NAS and MOS DEF, they are amongst the few who managed to keep it real and now they got some top class reinforcements. Enjoy the new music video:

A-YO from Katie M Best on Vimeo.

Just to make things clear I'm not a fan of some random gangsters which managed to make a fortune without elementary school education, like 1/2 dollar or the small Wayne guy.

Peace out !!!

Like a plant ... lazy plant

I'm pretty much in a lazy mood these days, nothing is interesting enough to catch my attention, things at the office are not how I want them to be, I'm tired with this whole apartment search, at least the weather is loyal and plays along with snow, rain, chili winds and gray clouds. Today the new Rammstein album comes out, I'm pretty curious about the sound and the lyrics, I hope it's going to be a good distraction from the old school weed/hip hop/hood movies and comics which killed my time this week. The movies were ok ... Chris Rock made a good Eazy-E in CB4, Dave Chapelle killed it in Half Baked but the highlight of my last week was an interesting comic montage, a waste of paper and time but still pretty clever, enjoy:

VIDEOGIOCO by Donato Sansone from Enrico Ascoli - Sound Design on Vimeo.

instead of a cool fare well formula I will present you a picture of my imaginary golden Nazi gnome friend and his best "Heil Hitler" salute

Celebrity news

Hollow articles, news papers or magazines without substantial information get sold in thousands and thousands of copies, usually the buyers don't even read all the articles and still they keep buying them for no reason, in fact this became the nr.1 problem for humanity and when they solve this one, the cure for cancer, the origins of the universe, reaching the speed of light and other unessential stuff will be solved by Kate Moss after a blow session. Are we seriously attracted by Lindsay Lohan's genital warts ? or does anybody care about Kelly Osbourne witch is nothing more than Ozzy's uglee daughter, send all the gossip journalists + all the paparazzi + all the wannabe's into the most remote part of Siberia and in max 6 months they will have a local celebrity magazine ... 1st page title "Perez Hilton ate yellow snow". Recently the Nobel prize winners were announced but nobody wrote more than 10 rows about the people which won them and about their work, yay !!! they wrote about Barack ( we are close friends ) winning the Nobel peace prize and yes he is peaceful, he also is the president of a country with a few ongoing wars and an astonishing high tech arsenal. Is Barack a celebrity ? or is he a public person ? ... he received the media credit for this edition and its understandable because the other Nobel prize winning physicians,chemists, doctors, writers don't have under their command the US military and they're not even married to Jacky Obama or is it Michelle Kennedy ?
I'm proud that I share the same citizenship with Herta Muller the 2009 literature Noble price winner, yes she is a smart Romanian person and like any other smart Romanian person she phucked off and left "the land of choice" as soon as she had the opportunity ( emigrated in Germany in the 80's ). The Romanian celebrity gossip scene is now investigating her roots, reveal her dark and horrible past " Herta Muller lived in a small German town, in a small house" ... stone the Biatch !!! It's a shame that we don't appreciate the true values and brilliant minds like Henry Coanda, Constantin Brancusi and now Herta Muller which had to achieve extraordinary performances in a foreign place because they hungered in their country. It's easier to appreciate a blond tramp flashing her tits in front of the camera than following a bunch of guys encoding the DNA on an empty stomach.
If we keep going like this we will end up as a bunch of fucktards with Victoria Beckham as president.

This was deep ...

Aaaaaciu !!!

Winning the lottery

Never played it but I'm still hoping to win it someday and if the all mighty gambling demon will put in my pocket a winning ticket, I will reinvent the word eccentric.
Here are a few things I'm going to do:
- I'm going to pay a club owner to kick out all the people in the club and I will tango the bodyguards while listening to turbonegro
- I would buy myself a slave
- I would only wear costumes, superman costumes, wonder woman costumes ( without the thong ), are there any Mojo Jojo costumes available ?
- I would pay Quincy Jones to compose my personal bad ass soundtrack
- I would get a job as a janitor and I will pay the general manager to do my work
- I would transform my parents apartment into a huge sub woofer( speakers instead of windows )
- I would play commercials on the sub woofer
- I would make old people carry my grocery
- I would buy out all the seats in the bus and make everybody stand
- I would build a statue of me sitting on the couch, with a built in hydraulic arm which will swing a whip, with drums in background ... a build in motion sensor will whip the passing slaves
- I would corrupt the local authorities for the permission to place my statue in the town center
- I would build myself a crematory and make things disappear for the mafia
- I would buy a license to kill
- I would build a platform into international waters, call it a tax paradise, get all the worlds investors and create a flourishing free country ( everything legal except iPhones ), with its own time zone and I would give it a really bad ass name which I cant come up with right now.
- I would drive a steam roller when I'm going out with my lady
- I might play the lottery

so .... yeah I guess I forgot about things like getting a nice house, a nice car and nonessential bullshit like this.

boing boing ....

Are the pro's dead ?

Mneah ... I will become a rich homeless guy, the real estate agents in my town are a bunch of dildos and obviously they don't want my money. Till now I've changed 2 agents, 1st agent was a female freak with the wrong attitude, she took us to see 2 apartments but instead of the sleazy bullshit agent talk she was an aggressive cunt which tried to intimidate us into buying her apartment so my sidekick decided to dump the gorilla and for a moment we feared the consequences. The second agent was a hillbilly disguised in a busy man, he forgot about our 1st meeting, he was late on our 2nd meeting and yesterday when we took our parents to see the apartment we liked he didn't show up, so of course everybody got angry and we left, 5 minutes after we left he called my girl friend and started brutalizing her over the phone, when I was about the turn the car around just to show him the chemical reaction between my brass knuckle and his soon to be teeth less mouth my girl went mental, interrupted the wankers pleading and hell broke lose, from ak47's, dark ages, the return of the Nazis, barbed wire bondage, deep throat, red hot needles everything was mentioned ... the redneck was horrified and remained silent until she made him present his excuses for being a jiralhanae ( retarded lunatic, word used to describe someone who is really fucked up mentally - Korean slang)
I was shocked and I'm still thinking if she has cock in her pants, not to mention I'm amazed about her slang knowledge,the white trash agent deserved it and to be honest I feeling proud of her.
Sales are an amazing thing if you do them right and take proper care of your clients, I'm a bit into sales myself, sales are awesome, just the feeling you get when you make the clients buy your stuff, the whole walzer involved before selling, the smooth bullshit professional talk gives me satisfaction. "Client's feed me" that's my golden rule when it comes to sell something, if the client doesn't like the walz I'm going to dance the polka or everything else and I would dance his dance 5 minutes before he will enter the ball room.

So today we'll get to know one of the best sales agents in my town, I hope he knows the macarena.

Future Pulitzer award winning brutalist over and out !

Road rage !

Weeeehaaaaaaaa !!! I'm driving a car and everybody should take care because I'm entitled to do whatever I desire and nothing should stay in my way !!!
People become some kind of warriors when they get behind the steering wheel, a simple drive to the market is like the siege for Cameltoe (or is it Camelot ?), even the smallest prick has a bad temper and is always ready to fight you. If you feel really tough and have a mood to fight just take your car out for a spin and don't signal when you change lanes, when you drive in front of another car hit the brake with no reason, when the traffic lights go green take your time and finish your cigarette, keep honking at other drivers and in a few minutes you will find another flinty driver to fight with. Usually the roadrager fights are pathetic, they keep pushing each other, they swear at each other but none has the courage to deliver the nice well aimed son of a bitch nose punch and usually the wife's are the ones who end the public masquerade with a well executed firm ninja testicle grab maneuver and drag the wimp back to the car.
I find it very curious that drivers don't kill each other because all of them and by all I mean even the nun drivers have a some kind of a self defense tool, some of them have entire arsenals ... I don't know if the angry wussies are afraid to use them or the driving license psychological tests are so accurate. From time to time the police raids the cars to get new equipment for the officers and if you see a guy dressed in pajamas with a reflecting jacket, a fire extinguisher and a red and white crowbar you don't worry it's the law on duty !

I'm also carrying a device in my car just to make sure I'm ready for the attack, like you know I always fight with style and my weapon of choice is a brass knuckle ... well a fencing rapier would be more stylish but I look like a fagot with it.
If you really want to fight like a man, receive and deliver punches you should follow the cars parked in front of boxing gyms and voila you have the chance to prove yourself in front of a pro. boxer.

Cheers !!!

Am I getting it ?

Wow !!! woke up this morning seriously worried, had a strange night with psychedelic dreams/nightmares combined with strong muscle contraction, almost felt like in a 3D cinema. Next year I'll start a psychology faculty, man if I could control my brain I could get high for free and probably would make a fortune if I could teach other people to get "brain high". Just imagine walking along a nice purple road surrounded by Antoni Gaudi designed industrial buildings which blow smoke circles out of their chimneys while listening to my girlfriends dog opinion about the human kind. Midgets steering unicorn pulled rickshaw's greeting polite while passing by, giant light bugs sleeping on street poles and my best mates enjoying a kraftwerk concert in a bar without entrance. Weird stuff if you ask me now and still some people pay lots of money for bad tasting but so inspirational shrooms. Just to complete these awesome dreams each step I took, each stumble and each gesture I dreamed felt extra special real due to muscle contraction imitating the normal body reaction to the imagined situation. After waking up, for a moment I thought I'm getting the Parkinsons or I'm starting to discover my super human powers ... the only thing I got was an early wake up similar to this:

I'm wondering if the dog was right, are we really just an experiment with limited resources meant to proof how long will it take until we will eat each other up.

ok breakfast time !

Be nice and ze basterds will walk over you

Yep you're right this is another rage post and God damn it I will build myself a nuclear bomb.
Everybody expects to be respected but they wont give back the respect, if you behave, don't swear and shout when you have a small verbal dispute you are considered a weakling and will be feed shit until you do something. I'm done with this bullshit, in the past few weeks I've been disrespected by all sorts of disabled morons but from now on I will be an asshole, I'm dead serious about this.
Last week I've been to a few banks to check out the credit conditions for buying a house, I kept the formality and used Mr. or Ms. when I talked, the rude fuckers used my name and I tend to believe its just a psychological bravado meant to intimidate clients, I was not impressed by this circus so I got out my HUGE balls presented them to the credit person, bitch slapped him twice instantly I became MR. Andy and out of nowhere I had lots of options + benefits. My theory proved to be accurate as a Swiss watch, If you explode and get aggressive your presence will be respected, of course they will talk shit about you in your absence but if you find out you're entitled to raise hell and make the scum balls look stupid ... too shy to yell and scream like a motherfucker ? don't be !!! they will do the same thing to you.
Never liked to act like an asshole but sometimes, some people deserve it, whether its a colleague who likes to use you to get copies done for him, pick up stuff for him just because its more comfortable to do so,or whether its the perfect healthy family member which likes to delegate you for a cup of soda when you are in the middle of lunch, you should brace yourself and say NO ! beware they will try to make you do it, keep your position don't back off because they didn't use the word PLEASE in their pathetic request and since you are not a soldier/slave/robot you should not take orders especially from people who:
-don't sign your checks,
-made a habit exploiting other peoples,
-are not your parents/grandparents
-are not close and reliable friends
-are not disabled
-are not the ones you care about
-are not Chuck Norris
So if somebody will bother you again with this kind of dumb favor requests you should ask him if he would do the same thing for you, probably the person will giggle and say no, well if he doesn't sign your check and doesn't fulfill all the crap I wrote above you shouldn't do it and you don't owe an explanation for your decision.
Anyway I would rather come along with people but when I have to choose between being considered an asshole or a smiley face gay puppet I prefer the 1st option.

Self declared internet tough guy over and out !!!



P.S. I like purple !

Uber positive people make me sick

Have you ever had the feeling that the uber positive douche which gives away compliments for no reason should get hes teeth knocked out ?
Like any other normal person out there I have my up's and down's, when I'm happy you can see I'm happy, when I'm sad it rains ... usually people get sad or happy for a certain reason, but not this positive freaks they are happy and I tend to believe they are faking it just to piss me off.
These Hare Krishna dip shits have nonsense values, they appreciate and follow all sorts of shady meditation practices while enjoying a nice cup of warm piss, they get really serious about the zodiac and its strange how they always find the good part in it even if it says "you are going to be gang ass raped at 1pm" they will react like "It can be a good experience, probably I will get rid of these pesky hemorrhoids", if they have a really bad car accident and unfortunately survive they will thank God for the sunny weather ... YOU WASTED YOUR CAR START CURSING !!!!
If you have the luck to get stuck with one of them you will wish the Grinch will appear soon, if you are queuing with one, he will start talking about the faith that brought you together and how beautiful life is even if you made it clear that you were there to get your new ID and he should talk in the other direction because his breath smells like piss, he will appreciate your brute sincerity, will become happier and will talk even more. God bless if you share a hospital room with one of them, he will compliment how good you look after an open shinbone fracture and how cute is the full leg cast but now is the right moment to make the douche feel miserable and cry like a baby, you only have to ask nice whats he in for and no mater what the answer is you should say that your friend died in excruciating pain for the same reason and the disease is caused by the hyper positivity ... continue to scare the shit out of him and when he gets desperate put a smile on your face and ask him to get a bed in the morgue

This will wake him up from his orgasmic positivity, it might make him realize that all the piss he drank was for nothing and meditation without having something real to think about is useless.